Oh my f*cking goodness (can’t say God, ‘cos ‘my Mum reads my blog’)! If I see another post in my bloody timeline advising me of the ‘habits’ of people who are apparently excelling on every level in life that you could think of, and then some that they just made up, I might have to stab the internet.
It’s my own silly fault of course for ‘Liking’ so much do-goody, worthy, and healthier-than-thou bollocks on Facebook.
Here is what has passed in front of my eyes in the last week or so:
- How to make everyone want you – Yes, really. As if this would ever be a desirable state of affairs.
- How to fall in love with yourself – Frankly, narcissistic.
- How the energy in your home is making you sad and 5 ways to fix it – Just get the vacuum out and hoover up all toys, dust, dirty socks and toast crumbs. Job done.
- 10 habits of debt free/highly successful/happy/healthy/creative people – To be all these things at once would be unnatural, right? Unhealthy, actually.
- 7 ways to live longer – OK, this is a good idea but so hidden in amongst all the rest of the stuff about trying to fall in love with yourself, and getting the whole world to fall in love with you too, that the chances of achieving this seem minimal.
- 101 ways to get organised – Piss off! Just Piss off!
and on and on… until I am convinced that I am dull and unlovable, living in a cluttered home that sucks my very life force from me and in desperate need of an extreme makeover. Ha ha! Not really.
And finally the coup de grâce: How to make your Facebook page more meaningful. I have no words, people. But of course I have words and here they are: if I wanted to imbue something, anything, with ‘meaning’, I would NOT be starting with my Facebook page.
After four years of motherhood and nearly five years of struggling to make my way, with my man, in Spain, a strange suspicion is dawning on me which is that I might well be able to do whatever I set my mind to do; just as long as I don’t set my mind to do anything ridiculous. This feeling, albeit 20 years late, is very liberating.
So in celebration of my recognition of my glorious adequacy to face life’s challenges, and be the very best me that I can be on a good day, here is my bloody list. No ‘power mantras’ necessary, folks!
1. Eat what you like.
2. Drink what you like.
3. Spend time with people that you like.
4. When you have to spend time with people that you don’t like, drink more of what you like and eat their food. You might even end up liking them (oh, God forbid that you should end up actually liking the very people that you have been professing to detest for all this time. Who will you bitch about now?), or at least understanding them a little better.
5. Get up as late as you can feasibly get away with and if it looks like your partner/wife/husband is going to perform breakfast duties with the kid/s just keep your eyes closed and pretend to be asleep.
6. Dance as much as you can, to the music that you like, with the people that you like; or on your own and in front of the mirror, if you like. It works for Bibsey, my four year old daughter, so it can work for you.
7. Stay up late if you like. Tomorrow may be harder for it, but staying up late is one of few benefits of no longer being a kid alongside being able to eat chocolate and ice cream whenever you like (see point #1). Plus, of course, the kids are in bed.
8. Don’t spend all your money and time on fancy potions and lotions. Coconut oil pretty much covers it all, inside and out. And don’t bother with your bikini line until you are absolutely, definitely sure that you are 100% going to the beach TOMORROW or you will run the risk of missing your perfect window of beach readiness.
9. If you are up for it, say so. If not, just keep your eyes closed and pretend to be asleep.
10. Be grateful. Every day.
To those of you who struggle and strive for some semblance of normal and happy, whatever that is, every day. Good luck.