Bibsey’s rider

R is for rider. Bibsey’s rock and roll rider.

And before I say another word I must immediately give credit for this blog post to Jess Topper of I’ll Blog When I’m Dead. Jess is an ex-librarian turned rock n’ roll number cruncher, a blogger, and a mother, who is also currently cracking on through the alphabet on the A-Z Challenge.

Today she has saved me from the ignominy of admitting publicly that I know no words at all beginning with the letter R. Apparently. My mind today was not so much a steel trap as an empty paper cup (slightly crumpled with some dregs and a fag butt in the bottom). For the first time in this challenge I went to bed not knowing what I was going to write about the next day and woke up with the same gaping void where my blog post should’ve been.

Anyway, this great post by Jess about Rock and Roll Riders popped up in my inbox this morning and gave me some much needed inspiration for today. I sincerely hope that Jess sees this as a compliment rather than a rip-off.

So, necessary preamble aside, what follows is Bibsey’s rider – the document outlining the requirements for the “comfort, safety and happiness” of the artist currently known as Bibsey, and that of her entourage and crew, when we take our little show on the road:

BIBSEY’S RIDER

TOUR BUS

• Toddler seat: clean and ready installed. Bibsey’s crew (thick, lazy bastards for the most part) do NOT like to arrive straight off the plane to face the physical and mental endurance test that is the fitting of a car seat into bus.
• Please have ‘snacks’ (see below for list of snacks) available in all transport.
• Poo bags, nappies (Huggies ‘Winnie the Pooh’ daytime nappies size 5) wipes and a fresh change of clothes should be available to crew to administer should our little talent fill her nappy in-car . Bibsey is a fragrant little chick who does not like to arrive at a venue in a cloud of nappy funk, only to be greeted by a sea of wrinkled noses.
• Complete works of Julia Donaldson on CD and Michel Thomas’ Learn Spanish lessons 1-8 (non-negotiable).

TECHNICAL KIT AND CABOODLE 

• Wifi throughout venue. Bibsey likes to be able the watch Peppa Pig and Charlie and Lola to relieve the boredom when crew are otherwise engaged cooking her carefully balanced meals. She will also need to check periodically for comments on her blog.
• iPads in every room.
• Perfomances to take place mainly in the kitchen. Ensure that the sound system is fully tested and functional.
• Please supply puzzles, books (complete works of Julia Donaldson a non-negotiable), plastic kitchen, fake food, balance bike, rocking horse, peddle car, cuddly toys, play doh etc
• Own buggy will be supplied.
• Nappies (the ones with Tigger on not Pooh) and wipes in every room.
• Potty for wearing on head and storing things.
• Child safety barriers at the top and foot of stairs. We do not want our little rock star falling down the stairs. The ED is not on our tour list.

DRESSING ROOMS AND HOSPITALITY

Where possible artist and crew require separate rooms to allow for nothing more exciting than SLEEP.

Dressing room 1 – Bibsey

• Black out blind that allows no light from yonder window to break.
• Night light that has a little Sun and Star to indicate night and day so that our little Princess knows what time of day it is. International touring can play havoc with the body clock.
• Book shelf with the complete works of Beatrix Potter, with the dust jackets off. Bibsey will have no truck with dust jackets. Simply put, she does not see the point in them.
• Supplies of Sudocrem and DoDot 12 hour dry nappies (size 5) – please only include the ones with kittens and lambs on. Dogs and ducks are not acceptable at bedtime.
• Bibsey likes to bring her own quilt and pink cat, but will require cot, rubber bottom sheet and other bedding.
• Please ensure that the room has adequate power outlets for baby monitor, night light, iPad, bedside lamp for storytime. And that temperature can easily controlled by crew.
• Ensuite bathroom. No bidets please.

Dressing room 2 – entourage/family

• Sound proof room with bed (king-size with no footboard – our roadie Mr B is built like a Great Dane) and covers.

Catering

• Snacks: juice boxes (peach), milkshakes (strawberry), bananas, strawberries, nuts (monkey or roasted almonds), cakie, cookies (chocolate chip), cucumber chunks, cherry tomatoes and mini babybel. Chocolate chicks.
• Breakfast: Monkeys (Sugar Puffs) and/or Rice Krispies in special Mickey and Minnie bowl, honey on wholemeal toast, green eggs and ham. Whatever Daddy is having. Proper coffee for crew.
• Other food supplies to made available to crew for the preparation of Bibsey’s meals: avocado, pasta shapes, eggs, Philadelphia, sausages, chicken fillets, yogurt, peas, potatoes etc.
• Crew will grab what they can when they can.
• CREW WILL NEED A DRINK ON ARRIVAL AND WILL REQUIRE TOPPING UP BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER EVERY PERFORMANCE. PLEASE HAVE FRIDGES STOCKED WITH CAVA (Brut, no semi-seco), RED WINE AND HEINEKEN. NO CARLSBERG.

LOAD-OUT

• When it comes to de-rigging and loading-out. Crew will be a sweaty, panicking mess and running late. Please have yet MORE CAVA on ice and childminder on hand to ease the passage.

That’s all. Not complicated or divaish. Iggy Pop we ain’t. If you can stick to the above you really won’t find us too difficult or demanding at all. Any questions, call our Tour Manager, Poppleton Bear.

What would your rider include?