The saddest thing

This is the saddest thing that I have ever had to write. I haven’t been around for a while because we have been going through something very hard here in our little family. I was pregnant and sadly, now I’m not.

Having got to about 10 weeks without even realising I was pregnant (I know. Don’t ask.), we went for our 12 week scan a couple of weeks later than you would usually. We were told that there was no heartbeat and our baby was too small for the dates. Not viable. Little thing had probably stopped developing at around 10 weeks.

So there it is. I went into hospital the next day for a D and C. The details of this are not necessary here, but anyone who has been through this or something similar, or knows someone else who has, will know how deeply unpleasant and sad the whole thing is.

My amazing beautiful sister ‘missioned’ it from Germany (bringing love and hugs from my adorable nieces and her lovely husband) to make it to my hospital bedside before lights out on that one night that I had to spend in there. She has gone home now but it meant so much to have her here. Mr B and Bibsey spent their first night without me… they were fine. Mr B did good.

He and I (and our whole family) are so very sad about losing this little one. Initially we were quite surprised – caught out again! idiots! like we don’t know how babies are made? – and the very next moment, so happy and excited. In the short time that we were aware of the pregnancy we had made all our plans. And filled the fridge with all the ‘good’ stuff. This little bean had already carved a niche in our family and in our hearts. And that space can never be filled by anything else.

You might wonder why I choose to write about something so tragic and personal. Right now I feel that if I don’t I might as well just pack up the blog and call it a day, because I certainly can’t write about anything else. Anyone who is familiar with this blog will know that generally it is a light-hearted amble through our life here in Spain and our journeys in parenthood. To write about anything else until I had written about this would just seem too trite. I am sure that you will understand.

Future view

So, I don’t think I will be around for a little while more. We are moving house this week. I shall mostly be packing and drinking cava, driving up and down the mountain and unpacking and drinking cava. Bibsey will be OD’ing on Charlie and Lola. I think that having the move to occupy us is really a good thing. I’ll be back soon, with a lighter heart, waxing lyrical about our new view no doubt.

Until then, new internet connection allowing, I shall be catching up on all my favourite blogs to see what you have all been up to. I have a special eye on a certain Aussie blogger, who it seems is still awaiting the arrival of baby number 4. Good luck Romina x

OK, must go. Bibs is waking from her nap, gently calling me through the baby monitor. Life goes on. And isn’t that one of the crazy things about motherhood? They need you. So life must go on. We are sad now, but it will pass. We will be happy again. In fact we are still happy every day with our beautiful little girl.

While you must inevitably grieve the loss of the child that might have been (or so sadly for some, the child that was) you cannot deny the joy in the child that is.

See you on the other side.